I want you to take a minute and jump into my imagination for a moment. Look at the image up above and see what’s going in in my brain. Most of you know I had a mild stroke and can’t fully use my right arm and hand. It’s slow recovery at the moment and depression has open it’s door to me. Some days it’s hard and other days can be challenging. What’s hard are the simple things I can’t do like, write my name, scratch my head or tie my shoe. I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself. The simple tasks we take for granted each and everyday. Eventually I have to figure out how to take proper photos while I build up my right arm and hand. For now all I can do is look through the photo I do have and come up with creative solutions to edit with my left hand. Some people are amazed how well I’ve dues my left hand for everything, since I’m right handed. The body can compensate for a lot of things. It’s become natural for me to use my left hand for everything.
Right now I feel like I’ve been falling backwards instead of moving forward in my like. I had a really good project going on but I had to stop Project 365. I’ll try again when I’m ready or maybe in 2015. I have a lot of thoughts in me head swimming in my brain. Even when I go back to blogging it will be hard so I decided to write what’s going on with images I’ve edited. This way I don’t loose my mind and stay away from the bad thoughts in my head. The bad thoughts are what I like call, “going into a bad neighbourhood” and even typing this blog post is hard for me.
My mind looks like someone is jumping into a mess of colour. It’s hard to keep up and mentally straining because of the jumbled mess. My brain is in a constant battle with itself because the depression will come in and take over at times. It happened to me on Sunday. It was really bad. I just laid on the couch, asking myself how can I make myself happy over and over. If I’ve ever really been happy with myself and my life and will I really change myself. It’s really a private hell I don’t wish on anyone. Being lost in that bad neighbourhood is a very dangerous place to be. When I look back I’ve always had these thoughts and been depressed a lot. I don’t show it or make an announcement that I’m going to the clinic or seek mental help. I’ve always pushed my way out of it and I’m ok again. Now the cat is out of the bag because a lot of you are going to be reading this and wonder or worry. I rather have people be concern than worry about me. That Sunday when I was feeling low. My sister came home from work and told me to get up. You will take Vida with you and go for a walk. I get my cane and Vida follows me while I walk…
As we walk and I listen to Vida talk…the colour start to fade and turn into black and white. Now you think why black and white because I’m only focused on what’s in front of me. No noise just me and Vida so everything is quiet once again.
Now I leave you Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and what happened to her during her stroke. My stroke wasn’t the same but this will give you an idea of the feeling going through a stroke. What happened to me was a scar tissue found on my left side of my brain. This effected the right side of my body. I’m lucky the stroke didn’t effect the way I think or putting words together. One thing the stroke did was made it easier to find my words and put them together easier. I can still create mobile images so I’m thankful for that.