The last couple of months I’ve felt I was lost in noise. It’s been really hard to write the blogs lately with all the noise mixing around my head. All these things and ideas swimming around my head, the sea of images, conversations and feelings…
I’m doing one of the hardest things in my life by quitting my job and just going to London. All because of these girls who’ve changed my life, turned it upside down, changed the way I think and excepted me. I just want to help them because they helped me to be a better person. It’s very important to me. These girls who touched me in a way that most people in my life couldn’t, listen to my babbling of the experiences that happened in my life. The stupid mistakes I’ve made, the funny things, the sad things and my dark secrets.
The noises in my head of people lecturing me, telling me I have to have this master plan and other back up plans. It’s exhausting enough just to do what you really want, having the courage to quit your job and a making a real date to fly off to London. I don’t see myself as brave but not wanting to live in regret either. We’ve all done regretful things in the our past. I know I can’t change the past but I can make a better future.
In the present I wake up, get ready, wait for the bus, transfer to the trolley, go up an elevator and walk to Starbucks. I usually order a quad shot in a Venti cup with ice. Then I go to the mixing counter, put in 6 raw sugar packs, pour my half & half, and push my straw in the cup. I sip up the bitter expresso with the half & half and raw sugar. The flavour mixes in my mouth and during that first sip, time will stops a bit. While I think, why do I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere ? Why do I get the same thing at Starbucks ? Why do I sit at Starbucks before going to work ? Why do I put up with this mundane crap of a life ? Because I’m alone, I work at a crappy job that goes no where and I’m unhappy…this going no where in life. I’ve made myself a prison of comfort and fears. I’ve psyched myself out a lot with my over thinking, expectations and listening to the wrong people.
My worst fear is not knowing the outcome, not being excepted and alone…again. You could say I’m a bit of a control freak and scared shitless. I’m tired of this mundane life of going no where. I need to do something about it before I end up in a deep depression of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The only thing I look forward is when Helen, Smiley, Ana, Bhav, Bina, Ansa, Sara, Tej and/or Bila would talk to me. I’ve talked to them for such a long time. They’re having problems at the moment. I know staying here isn’t going to help them but only get worse. They need a voice of reason and so do I. I just know staying in California isn’t going to help me or them. This cycle of problems won’t end if I stay here, I just know deep down in my gut. It just sits and festers, like a cesspool that’s waiting to seeping and flooding all over the place. They don’t understand, but I do and hopefully they will down the road. Hindsight is 20/20 after all…
Last, I want Helen to hear me talk to her, so she knows that I’ll always be there. She can always trust and rely on me. We can be close to each other, like real kindred spirits.